Friday, December 9, 2011

Week 1, and counting.

                Start            Week 1             Diff
Weight  102.1 kg           98.1 kg           4 kg          
Chest    113.5 cm        110.0 cm          3.5 cm
Waist    105.0 cm        101.0 cm          4.0 cm
Hips      133.0 cm        131.0 cm          2.0 cm
U arm     40.0 cm           38.0 cm         2.0 cm
Thigh      79.0 cm           77.5 cm         1.5 cm

Wow. What a week. I had all kinds of 'remedies' ready for hunger, or anything that might want to get in my way. But it was useless. You body just before it starts ketosis, is like a seriously unreasonable woman with PMS. You can try and negotiate, try and plea bargain with it... It just will do what it wants.

I didn't cheat. I didn't feel the need to. The only thing seriously wrong was the NO MEAT policy. I would have settled for some chicken flavour, but my allergy to eggs prevented me from the only meat flavour in the range. I was starting to miss chewing as well.  Between porridge, soups and shakes, there is really nothing to chew. I suckled on some ice, and gave it a chew for good measure.

And then day 3-4 hit me. It was death. He was standing at my window with a crazy look in his eyes... a look that would make me think... 'eat yourself, that isn't a sin'.  The detox phase arrived with a bang. I felt drained, sick, nauseous, tired, angry, excited, and a wide range of other feelings in waves. I wanted to give up. It wasn't too late. I could still say no, before ketosis arrived, but I knew. It has already started, this is just it's official banner. Detox in the form of flu like symptoms.

No red bull, no play, no energade, no meat. I was starting to feel like consuming death by the Friday afternoon. I had my meals at same times as every day before. It was just horrible. And then my super sexy awesome man came to the rescue. ONE super big ass coffee. Nice and strong with a single teaspoon of sugar. Being the police man of the diet, he felt it was a deserved spoon full. I didn't argue I didn't complain. AND it saved my life.

The weekend we had a braai, and I was content with my soup. Infact it might have made me a hero. I was constantly praised. "You have such will power." "How can you just have a soup, and no meat, it is a braai."  "I admire what you doing."  So as a prize I got a minute piece of chicken, less than 5mm by 5mm. So tiny that it made me sad. But it was the best taste in the world. It gave me hope to last another week. Or at least till the next measure day.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Start of the Journey.

After much deliberation and consideration I finally decided on a solution to a problem some might think is crazy. I have been struggling the last 7 years to maintain, and keep a suitable weight. I've lost the battle, 3 years ago. I tried blaming it on hormones, went for tests. Went on Thyroid meds for 6th months and only lost a measly 6kgs. Admitting this to myself has not happened. If there is one thing I can do exceptionally well, it is living in denial. I am a MASTER of it. I have a seriously warped body sense.  And by that I don't mean that I think I'm fatter than I am. I actually think or have a visual in my mind, and when I look directly at my body, that it is super awesomely sexy. And here is where the big problem comes in, or shall I just say, Reality is a bitch.

The real picture, as shown to me by mirrors, photo's and some reflections on household items and windows show me an entirely different picture! Something horrifying. So bad in fact, that I don't look in mirrors, other than the top of my head to brush my hair, and while driving. I don't look in reflections of any kind. I don't go into fitting rooms when I clothes shop. It has become an psychological issue. One I didn't think I had until a week or two before my birthday. When I wanted to dress up and look pretty, and for some odd reason I just saw a flash of  my upper arm in a mirror.

I was devastated. Completely and utterly humiliated. I stood crying for almost an hour. Not moving. Now you think I'm being dramatic. I'm not. I rechecked the vision. It was indeed true. Even held up my phone next to it, to compare size. I was lost, and completely wrecked by this. You don't have to believe me. Something like the glimpse of you upper arm, when in your mind it's a thin elegant arm, can ruin your whole mental well being by being hideously FAT. After the tears and the feeling of shame dissipated, (Which was about 5 days later only) I faced the reality. I got the nerve and checked myself out in a mirror. I had decided before this, I would be stone. And I was. This was a clinical experiment, to verify and confirm the hypothesis. I was just doing what a doctor would do.

Conclusion. My body picture in my mind and the one I was viewing was not in line. Now the mental picture wasn't of model thin. Just average, curvy but sexy.

Secondly there was the small matter of stomach fat. Now some fat on ones abdomen is considered healthy.  But I was what they called, Take drastic action. My middle circumference was almost 3 times what it was 7 years ago. I party didn't notice it, because I have been blessed with such broad hips. So seeing as diabetes is now a factor, (First grandma on my dad's side, also large lady, and then my mother), I had to make a plan. I don't want to be insulin dependant. And with the history of heart failure and problems in the family, I am bound to that life, if I don't change something drastically.

And so it started. Research and some more research, thank Google. Conferring and confirming with my wonderful Doctor.

I found that the only, drastic measure would be Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD). It would start working almost instantly, and I would be more tempted to stay on something with which I see almost immediate results. So of I went to discover the best one for me. And I was shocked. Some people think fat people are made of MONEY! We don't all look like this cause we eat out or rich and expensive food, we look this way because for some of us, it's a life choice to work hard, don't play and eat to soothe the heartaches.

I was astounded. Pay this and get nothing. Pay that and we'll help you. If in the last 7 years, I have not been able to help myself, HOW do you think you are going to make a difference? And so the mental feud began. It was going to be my whits against my "Goa-uld" The more I tried to find something that will work I kept being discouraged by either it's price, or it's availability.

The answer came to me one sunny afternoon when I was actually looking at a scam degree program. Some or other Cambridge diploma, that will only take you 3 weeks to complete online. And I went on my Google rant. Googling Cambridge etc. I came across a blog of a guy talking about his experience with The Cambridge Weight plan. He failed cause he tried it while he was moving countries, and changing jobs and being dumped by his girlfriend, which made him depressed and finally ended up with him admitting to the world he is in fact gay. But in his first experience he said that he had lost 20 odd kg's in the first 8 weeks. And this of course was the hook. I had to know more. That is what I want lost... And 8 weeks will suite me perfectly.

 I found the program in the UK. And just as I was to give into despair over the availability, I saw the ZA fag. And they HAD A BRANCH here! With a consultant, just down the road from me!

So I got on the phone. Called the Doctor, and very enthusiastically she said "Go for it, it's one of the best weight loss programs out there. It has been known to be used by heart patients. Call me with the results in 6 weeks." And I thought she was joking.....

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Content in my corner.

I have this strange feeling of content, with a nasty little feeling of stress in the seams. I hate days like this. New mattress came this morning, slightly damp, on the outside. Haven't taken off the plastic wrap yet. Too scared. I think I will go ballistic if that is the case. I am waiting for the man of the house to make his appearance, so he can inspect it.

I am planing on making a subsection of the blog dedicated to the diet. Thinking of putting some before, during and after shots on. As well as a chart with measurements, and weight. I am not scared of telling people this. I think that is why I've been finding dieting and eating absolutely nothing for a month, so easy. (It's not nothing, but after a while it starts to feel like nothing.)  I started eating meat on Monday again! It's so awesome. Like the best food I've had in YEARS. It is weird I know.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shall I eat something?

I've noticed this weather triggers a feeling of munchiness. How are one supposed to withstand it!? It feels rather sad not being able to get something to chew. I'll have to make a move, and go do something. Have you ever wondered why things happen? And by that I mean literately happen.

Monday, November 21, 2011

When is it Saturday?

I'm looking forward to SATURDAY! It's the first time I'll be truly sober for the entirety of an Event. It feels exhilarating to have this power. I just realised over the weekend, except for the craving for meat, I have no hunger, and no will to drink. And I think I might just shock the poor consultant again with the cm's that have gone.

So on the brighter side. I was surrounded by good friends this weekend. And the man was working back the brownie points he misplayed on Friday. Made a skirt, had a braai, met one of the coolest people I stalk. :P

Will report in later tonight, or tomorrow with the progress on the diet and weight front.

Wait for it, it's going to be Legend...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Meat me

I've done exceptionally well on the diet front. 4kg's! one week. Sjo. Well I still want meat. It's the only drawback so far. Other than that, I'm not hungry. I'm not wanting anything else.

I have a minor other issue. I really want a new job. Really really badly in the Stock market! That is my home. I miss it. The excitement. The stress. The relieve. The reward. They are another type of human. My type of human. Some people don't like them at all. I say, I hate all humans, and was it not for the single minded trader mind I would have killed most humans. It is truly amazing if you fully comprehend it. I speak of them as if they are super humans. They are. If you look at what they do... Not everyone can use their full comprehension like that. I can't. I haven't even tried. I don't dare. I miss that.

I sound a little crazy. But there is no greater thrill that waiting to see if a position was a good one, even though somewhere the odds were not entirely in your favour! Yes there is sadness. There is loss too... but that is soon forgotten with each victory. I miss that.

Aaah. I am still indecisive about what to study next. Not that there is finances for this activity. It is between Economy and Law. Yes. I'm a numbers person. If I could I would do something like actuary. But, no university would allow me into that with my Matric. That is why kids, never listen to you parents. Your matric does not make you... YOU make your matric. And it starts off in Std 6 (Grade 8).  This makes me think of point B.

I had the weirdest dream last night. It was a mix of 'funky royal wedding' and 'high school glamour/prom' party. I dreamed I was invited as 'special' guest of the Bride and Groom of the royal family. I was dressed like a dream... And it was no ordinary dress. It fit perfectly. It was deep royal blue, and in a similar style to this one. I looked so sexy in it. Everyone wanted to be with me at the party, which was on this roof of this skyscraper. I had the perfect shoes. It was WoW! Freaky as hell. If this is what 4 kgs can do to my ego... just imagine what will happen when I lost all 22kgs!

Ah to be young again.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Headaches and Hurt.

Friday started the 'detox' section of the diet. It's been hell. First off started the rumble in the tummy. Then the head aches started. All this can be cured with something as simple as water! Yes. I have been drinking 3 litres a day! I am now tired of water. Officially. And I miss MEAT. I just so badly want a piece of solid super steak. The hardest part is not having anything to chew. I've tried ice. I've tried just eating the porridge, but being the carnivore I am, I WANT MEAT. I'm intending to write a letter to them for a beef flavour, and a chicken flavour without egg. Maybe a bacon or smoked porridge?

Further more the WOW is going good. Still enjoying. Stargate marathon still on.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Once a Prawn a time...

My love treated me to a seafood platter on Sunday afternoon, as it was my "sin" weekend. I started yesterday with the Cambridge program. I don't like calling it the whole name, and my reasons are slightly personal at this stage.

We were enjoying a prawn or 10 on Sunday, and talking about the whole idea of people and their perspectives, and opinions. Now some of you know, I sometimes have a real difficult time keeping my opinions to myself. I've gotten myself, and my love into serious trouble with some people. Personally I think if you make yourself out to be a friend, you should be able to take a friends opinion for what it is worth.

So we were discussing perspectives. Firstly I noted that there is a SERIOUS problem with some peoples child rearing skills, especially the table outside. I told my love that I have been re-evaluating my life.  Thinking how to better myself. First of, gaining confidence and losing 15kg's, secondly, New job.  If the order of that changes it won't matter, the main ingredients stay the same.

Returning to my perspectives and opinions. I've gone on rediscovery of me. Of what I want, and how I will get it. Doing this makes one sometimes hate yourself. It is a necessary task. In doing this my way of thinking has slightly changed, and my perspective is a more 'external' one than usual. I love to observe people. And in doing so I learn allot about myself as a human being and the humans themselves. I've decided to make little mental notes on how I would have perceived and how I should perceive. Now this is not an easy task in all situations. You get upset and you tend to think with your 'primitive instinct' brain, instead of rational and logic response. And if you are me, you tend to become slower during this process. :P 

Today is a difficult day, day 2 of the diet. It is going as expected, but for the hunger. And this too shall pass. Here is to eating a prawn real soon again.

Friday, November 4, 2011

A new journey

I am about to start with a new journey. If all planning goes well, in 3 months time I will weigh, 15kg's less. Yuppy. Well lets see. Monday afternoon will be the deciding factor.

I'm watching BBC Human Body, too start the journey.

Tomorrow is a busy day. First birthday party for a friend, and then a house warming. Sunday is hopefully a restful day! please.

So see you all sometime this weekend, or maybe next week.  Enjoy.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Ah, how wonderful life is...

It was recently discovered that the overall intelligence of the world has dropped. Now overall intelligence is not just capacity to be clever, it is emotional, social and general cleverness. Admittedly I myself have a touch of Aspergers, but I don't let it hinder my everyday life.

During the child life, I did not comprehend most aspects of human interactions. Almost every single situation felt foreign to me. I had friends, but was often told that..."one does not act that way".  I simply didn't understand the concept of being a teenager. I acted the way I wanted others to act. I still do. Treat others the way you wish to be treated, act the way you want others to act. This is, was and will always be my main motto. Therefore I am probably one of the most un-normal persons other people meet. I've been recently, during dream study, trying to reconcile my 'misfit' behaviour with 'normal cool' kid behaviour. (Dream study is the use of controlling dreams to determine outcome, and proceedings and manipulating the dream to change the past, or resolve issues. It took me a while to master it, but I am getting pretty good at it.)  I know it is not a real actual event, but I am able to work through some pretty huge crap. Having arguments and winning them. Changing a past event, only if it is in a dream, to heal broken hearts, mend fences.

I noticed that in certain cases, where someone or something used to bother me immensely, after the resolve and peace in the dream study, I became somewhat indifferent. It no longer bothered me that I didn't handle it differently or that I didn't say that, or didn't do that. I was able to heal my 'hang ups'.  Yes, this could mean I am becoming an even bigger freak. Here is this girl that never got to be the lead in anything, and she is content, not because she is a misfit and knows it, because it doesn't matter to her any more. It was fixed in a dream study.

Now you probably wondering... what does anything have to do with anything? The world offends me. It really does. There are very few 'instances' of worldly interaction that I like. If it was up to me, I would have a licence to kill who and what ever I felt like, when I felt like it. It would be justified. Every single killing. Reason, result.

I can do this in dream study. I called it study, because it takes roughly 7 to 15 dreams, recurring, to study a situation, learn from it, resolve it, and move on. I was asked recently, why I was indifferent to something someone said to me... And my answer was, why should it have mattered to me in the first place? It is not that I don't care about people etc. It is just that I am done being the underdog, the saddling. I have a rightful place in this world, and it is not being trampled on, or being used as a wipe. I know it will still take years to undo and 'reprogram' 28 years of unhappiness. But little by little I will win this fight.

Next time you ask me, or yourself, 'Why is she acting this way?' Remember that I will not be the 'underling'.

Coming back to the world and it's sad state. It is really starting to become apparent, that there is no more 'general knowledge' and that the 'average' is now more like the below standard.  Just go read some advice forums or help forums. I pity the world.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Breaking bones.

I'm depressed. I am not in a good place today. I feel like I could kill.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ridiculed with this particular feeling, again.

It's strange to say that I'm ridiculed by this particular feeling. It's not really annoyance, but more like confused aggression. I feel so angry but confused as to why. It starts in the morning. Keeps strong during mid day, and usually transpires to either a major incident of word warring, or the waterfall of green-blue eye country. It's day 3-4 of this heat wave, and I can tell you I've had about enough. If it does not cool down tonight, I'm buying a personal aircon. This is frekked up.

Got my hair done yesterday. Truly amazing how some people just cannot take direction. I'm not complaining. The colour is 1/10th away from what it should be. But then again I could also blame genetics. (See what I mean, I'm mean and aggressive and have nothing good to say or think about everyone and everything if I'm in this mood. I'll refrain from any further 'bad mouthing' if possible.)

Now tomorrow is the day of party, but I haven't been a fan of my birthday since a couple years back. It's got nothing to do with getting older, there are just some emotional tinting on some of them that makes the day a 'sorry I was born' day, instead of a 'happy to be alive' day. I particularly blame the lack of gifts and sincerity of the friends and family. (This last sentence was dialled down.) For one I've been meaning to take a day off. Go shopping and what not. But have I been able too? No. All I hear is "there is too much to do". This makes me even more sad or angry.

I just don't want to be here any more. Please save me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Oh mother of hell.

Today is one of those days where I just want to kill myself for being on this planet of annoying lazy asses, who always seem to find a way to make their issues and their MEANINGLESS empty brains your problem. In general I don't like people. It is a huge annoyance for me being one. I'd much rather fancy myself to be like Sherlock Holmes from BBC One. Being Immune to people and they little annoyances would help too.

On a different note, I share my birthday with a few rather special people. Joaquin Phoenix, Julia Roberts. AND and the Statue of Liberty! Wow.

Back to point A. I am annoyed, not only with the super duper humans, but this weather. I hate HEAT. I don't call myself European for nothing! Anything above 25 degrees Celsius makes me want to KILL. I am sweaty and sticky and just plain "pissig". I wish that it would RAIN, hard, RIGHT NOW.

Now currently I'm working on a long term plan to go on holiday/s. I have a need to be at the sea side. Not in the sea, just on or near the sea, oh how glorious it would be. I've got a few ideas on where I want to go. Mostly it's along the Wild coast. But the puppy is being a hard ass as per usual. He's having a hard time at the work and can complain about it for hours, and as it is my duty as loving partner to listen to him, I do so, but that is where it ends. Which leads me to the second big annoyance of the day.

I allow him to do and act and basically go nuts as he pleases. And for the most part of it I get my freedom too. For the past 2 Years though I've noticed that he has started to think he's the HEAD Puppy. Like he's the leader of the pack, and he will decide how, what, with what and when we will be doing anything. This is ticking me off something frakking huge. I have given up my dream dreaming ability because of this! I realised somewhere in last week that for the biggest part of what I can remember I used to be able to wish for something, plan it, and do it. Now if I make a wish, and discuss it, it gets shot down! Now there is two options. Kill him or make him wish he never started this war. Option two has been in effect from 3 months ago. Now please don't misunderstand me. I love him DEEPLY and I will marry him one day. But it's one day, and love is the only thing keeping him alive most of the time.

Did you know that SARS and UNISA are evil? Oh yes. True EVIL.

Well peepers and peepets. Keep well.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Getting ready for Halloween!

It's that time again. I've got my mind set on two possible and relatively easy costumes. Now it just all depends on where we spend it!

First possibility is Zoe from Death Proof. Granted I don't have a size 0 body, I can pull of a pink t-shirt with black jeans. I just love the movie. It is one of those shocking, but empowering movies. Oh how I wish I was there to kick the shissness out of that guy. Best part, besides the end,
is where they shoot him and he starts to cry like a little bitch! I nearly wet myself laughing.
To all the uninformed:

Second one is a little more complicated, but it's still do able. It is either of the ladies from Inglorious Bastards. Either Shoshanna with her pretty red dress, of if I'm really feeling daring, how bout the tempting Briget. Ah., but I'm afraid I won't have time to get either dress.

I guess it's off to the costume shop sometime this week to make the final decision. You all that know me know that I can surprise even myself at times.

I'll keep you posted.

Fitting little sign out picture!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Feelings of despair

I wonder if we don't all have a feeling of despair? If the united consciousness is trapped in this feeling. It could very well be. It is not like these are things we discuss out loud. I'm watching American Horror Story, and it actually seem to alleviate the feeling. Seeing horror, the disarray, the lies and the terror, makes it seem that maybe, maybe I'm more sane than was initially thought.

Friday was Ouma's birthday. Her roses are so pretty. There are no jacarandas around, but I would imagine they are blooming like crazy, judging by the roses' blooming out of their bushes. I have to place support for two of the bushes, they almost completely bending over. So pretty and pink and red and white.

Yesterday I wanted to run away. Like the childhood fantasy, just grab a bag with clothes, and run off into the sunset. I'm troubled by the responsibility of running everyone's lives. Managing what seems to be all of their lives for payment that would insult a volunteer worker.

I end up with this feeling that I have nothing. And that I am nothing. Coming back to the feeling of despair. We are defined by our 'possessions'. Be it money, cars, or clothes. But when you are robbed of all other 'belongings' you are left with the feeling of despair. Don't worry I will be back. I am a survivor after all.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Healthy apreciation for what is happening.

Now most of you know me as Sunita. Some of you think you know me. Hell I surprise myself mostly. I've decided to write in my spare time. So it will be a learning experience for you and me, about me and you, and this thing called blogging. So first of, a quick recap on standard me.

I am a female. I like / love my man (men). I am not yet 30, but close too. Recently decided that I have too write about me and my life to achieve freedom from my own mind, because the as the title says... it's a lunatics way. I'm focusing on a new long-term life goal, as my previous one was suddenly achieved last year, by a happy accident. But I still have no idea as to what this goal should be.

I like playing computer games, and have recently taken on WOW. Now to those who do not know what 'digital heroin' is, it is World of Warcraft. And yes. It is true that some people have no life outside of WOW, but I think I do. It has something to do with my commitment issues, or procrastination. I just don't get caught up in most things like some people to. But this will be a whole publish on its own.

I am over weight. Nice. I can say it out loud and to the whole freaking world. And here comes the cliché part, it is my hormones and my genes. (Has anyone seen my parents?!). It is a constant struggle, and a daily source of part of my crazy. Hell getting dressed is more fun than trying to fit my butt in a bath.

I have great friends. Though they are few. They are awesome. And they differ in age, race, size and in almost every manner, except they are all my friends. Which is strange.

I live in a country filled with the best freaks around. We could not be blessed with anything better. And sometimes I will voice my opinion about the politics and the heretics, but remember that it's an opinion, and it's mine and I don't judge yours, so don't you dare judge me.

For now I'm signing off. Might have some 'interesting' news later on.

Oh, the main reason I'm running a blog is basically because, Facebook is too childish. And you can't type 5000 words into a thought thingy.