Week 1, and counting.

                Start            Week 1             Diff
Weight  102.1 kg           98.1 kg           4 kg          
Chest    113.5 cm        110.0 cm          3.5 cm
Waist    105.0 cm        101.0 cm          4.0 cm
Hips      133.0 cm        131.0 cm          2.0 cm
U arm     40.0 cm           38.0 cm         2.0 cm
Thigh      79.0 cm           77.5 cm         1.5 cm

Wow. What a week. I had all kinds of 'remedies' ready for hunger, or anything that might want to get in my way. But it was useless. You body just before it starts ketosis, is like a seriously unreasonable woman with PMS. You can try and negotiate, try and plea bargain with it... It just will do what it wants.

I didn't cheat. I didn't feel the need to. The only thing seriously wrong was the NO MEAT policy. I would have settled for some chicken flavour, but my allergy to eggs prevented me from the only meat flavour in the range. I was starting to miss chewing as well.  Between porridge, soups and shakes, there is really nothing to chew. I suckled on some ice, and gave it a chew for good measure.

And then day 3-4 hit me. It was death. He was standing at my window with a crazy look in his eyes... a look that would make me think... 'eat yourself, that isn't a sin'.  The detox phase arrived with a bang. I felt drained, sick, nauseous, tired, angry, excited, and a wide range of other feelings in waves. I wanted to give up. It wasn't too late. I could still say no, before ketosis arrived, but I knew. It has already started, this is just it's official banner. Detox in the form of flu like symptoms.

No red bull, no play, no energade, no meat. I was starting to feel like consuming death by the Friday afternoon. I had my meals at same times as every day before. It was just horrible. And then my super sexy awesome man came to the rescue. ONE super big ass coffee. Nice and strong with a single teaspoon of sugar. Being the police man of the diet, he felt it was a deserved spoon full. I didn't argue I didn't complain. AND it saved my life.

The weekend we had a braai, and I was content with my soup. Infact it might have made me a hero. I was constantly praised. "You have such will power." "How can you just have a soup, and no meat, it is a braai."  "I admire what you doing."  So as a prize I got a minute piece of chicken, less than 5mm by 5mm. So tiny that it made me sad. But it was the best taste in the world. It gave me hope to last another week. Or at least till the next measure day.

Content in my corner.

I have this strange feeling of content, with a nasty little feeling of stress in the seams. I hate days like this. New mattress came this morning, slightly damp, on the outside. Haven't taken off the plastic wrap yet. Too scared. I think I will go ballistic if that is the case. I am waiting for the man of the house to make his appearance, so he can inspect it.

I am planing on making a subsection of the blog dedicated to the diet. Thinking of putting some before, during and after shots on. As well as a chart with measurements, and weight. I am not scared of telling people this. I think that is why I've been finding dieting and eating absolutely nothing for a month, so easy. (It's not nothing, but after a while it starts to feel like nothing.)  I started eating meat on Monday again! It's so awesome. Like the best food I've had in YEARS. It is weird I know.

Feelings of despair

I wonder if we don't all have a feeling of despair? If the united consciousness is trapped in this feeling. It could very well be. It is not like these are things we discuss out loud. I'm watching American Horror Story, and it actually seem to alleviate the feeling. Seeing horror, the disarray, the lies and the terror, makes it seem that maybe, maybe I'm more sane than was initially thought.

Friday was Ouma's birthday. Her roses are so pretty. There are no jacarandas around, but I would imagine they are blooming like crazy, judging by the roses' blooming out of their bushes. I have to place support for two of the bushes, they almost completely bending over. So pretty and pink and red and white.

Yesterday I wanted to run away. Like the childhood fantasy, just grab a bag with clothes, and run off into the sunset. I'm troubled by the responsibility of running everyone's lives. Managing what seems to be all of their lives for payment that would insult a volunteer worker.

I end up with this feeling that I have nothing. And that I am nothing. Coming back to the feeling of despair. We are defined by our 'possessions'. Be it money, cars, or clothes. But when you are robbed of all other 'belongings' you are left with the feeling of despair. Don't worry I will be back. I am a survivor after all.