Sunday, October 23, 2011

Feelings of despair

I wonder if we don't all have a feeling of despair? If the united consciousness is trapped in this feeling. It could very well be. It is not like these are things we discuss out loud. I'm watching American Horror Story, and it actually seem to alleviate the feeling. Seeing horror, the disarray, the lies and the terror, makes it seem that maybe, maybe I'm more sane than was initially thought.

Friday was Ouma's birthday. Her roses are so pretty. There are no jacarandas around, but I would imagine they are blooming like crazy, judging by the roses' blooming out of their bushes. I have to place support for two of the bushes, they almost completely bending over. So pretty and pink and red and white.

Yesterday I wanted to run away. Like the childhood fantasy, just grab a bag with clothes, and run off into the sunset. I'm troubled by the responsibility of running everyone's lives. Managing what seems to be all of their lives for payment that would insult a volunteer worker.

I end up with this feeling that I have nothing. And that I am nothing. Coming back to the feeling of despair. We are defined by our 'possessions'. Be it money, cars, or clothes. But when you are robbed of all other 'belongings' you are left with the feeling of despair. Don't worry I will be back. I am a survivor after all.

No comments: