Ridiculed with this particular feeling, again.

It's strange to say that I'm ridiculed by this particular feeling. It's not really annoyance, but more like confused aggression. I feel so angry but confused as to why. It starts in the morning. Keeps strong during mid day, and usually transpires to either a major incident of word warring, or the waterfall of green-blue eye country. It's day 3-4 of this heat wave, and I can tell you I've had about enough. If it does not cool down tonight, I'm buying a personal aircon. This is frekked up.

Got my hair done yesterday. Truly amazing how some people just cannot take direction. I'm not complaining. The colour is 1/10th away from what it should be. But then again I could also blame genetics. (See what I mean, I'm mean and aggressive and have nothing good to say or think about everyone and everything if I'm in this mood. I'll refrain from any further 'bad mouthing' if possible.)

Now tomorrow is the day of party, but I haven't been a fan of my birthday since a couple years back. It's got nothing to do with getting older, there are just some emotional tinting on some of them that makes the day a 'sorry I was born' day, instead of a 'happy to be alive' day. I particularly blame the lack of gifts and sincerity of the friends and family. (This last sentence was dialled down.) For one I've been meaning to take a day off. Go shopping and what not. But have I been able too? No. All I hear is "there is too much to do". This makes me even more sad or angry.

I just don't want to be here any more. Please save me.

Feelings of despair

I wonder if we don't all have a feeling of despair? If the united consciousness is trapped in this feeling. It could very well be. It is not like these are things we discuss out loud. I'm watching American Horror Story, and it actually seem to alleviate the feeling. Seeing horror, the disarray, the lies and the terror, makes it seem that maybe, maybe I'm more sane than was initially thought.

Friday was Ouma's birthday. Her roses are so pretty. There are no jacarandas around, but I would imagine they are blooming like crazy, judging by the roses' blooming out of their bushes. I have to place support for two of the bushes, they almost completely bending over. So pretty and pink and red and white.

Yesterday I wanted to run away. Like the childhood fantasy, just grab a bag with clothes, and run off into the sunset. I'm troubled by the responsibility of running everyone's lives. Managing what seems to be all of their lives for payment that would insult a volunteer worker.

I end up with this feeling that I have nothing. And that I am nothing. Coming back to the feeling of despair. We are defined by our 'possessions'. Be it money, cars, or clothes. But when you are robbed of all other 'belongings' you are left with the feeling of despair. Don't worry I will be back. I am a survivor after all.