Friday, December 2, 2011

Start of the Journey.

After much deliberation and consideration I finally decided on a solution to a problem some might think is crazy. I have been struggling the last 7 years to maintain, and keep a suitable weight. I've lost the battle, 3 years ago. I tried blaming it on hormones, went for tests. Went on Thyroid meds for 6th months and only lost a measly 6kgs. Admitting this to myself has not happened. If there is one thing I can do exceptionally well, it is living in denial. I am a MASTER of it. I have a seriously warped body sense.  And by that I don't mean that I think I'm fatter than I am. I actually think or have a visual in my mind, and when I look directly at my body, that it is super awesomely sexy. And here is where the big problem comes in, or shall I just say, Reality is a bitch.

The real picture, as shown to me by mirrors, photo's and some reflections on household items and windows show me an entirely different picture! Something horrifying. So bad in fact, that I don't look in mirrors, other than the top of my head to brush my hair, and while driving. I don't look in reflections of any kind. I don't go into fitting rooms when I clothes shop. It has become an psychological issue. One I didn't think I had until a week or two before my birthday. When I wanted to dress up and look pretty, and for some odd reason I just saw a flash of  my upper arm in a mirror.

I was devastated. Completely and utterly humiliated. I stood crying for almost an hour. Not moving. Now you think I'm being dramatic. I'm not. I rechecked the vision. It was indeed true. Even held up my phone next to it, to compare size. I was lost, and completely wrecked by this. You don't have to believe me. Something like the glimpse of you upper arm, when in your mind it's a thin elegant arm, can ruin your whole mental well being by being hideously FAT. After the tears and the feeling of shame dissipated, (Which was about 5 days later only) I faced the reality. I got the nerve and checked myself out in a mirror. I had decided before this, I would be stone. And I was. This was a clinical experiment, to verify and confirm the hypothesis. I was just doing what a doctor would do.

Conclusion. My body picture in my mind and the one I was viewing was not in line. Now the mental picture wasn't of model thin. Just average, curvy but sexy.

Secondly there was the small matter of stomach fat. Now some fat on ones abdomen is considered healthy.  But I was what they called, Take drastic action. My middle circumference was almost 3 times what it was 7 years ago. I party didn't notice it, because I have been blessed with such broad hips. So seeing as diabetes is now a factor, (First grandma on my dad's side, also large lady, and then my mother), I had to make a plan. I don't want to be insulin dependant. And with the history of heart failure and problems in the family, I am bound to that life, if I don't change something drastically.

And so it started. Research and some more research, thank Google. Conferring and confirming with my wonderful Doctor.

I found that the only, drastic measure would be Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD). It would start working almost instantly, and I would be more tempted to stay on something with which I see almost immediate results. So of I went to discover the best one for me. And I was shocked. Some people think fat people are made of MONEY! We don't all look like this cause we eat out or rich and expensive food, we look this way because for some of us, it's a life choice to work hard, don't play and eat to soothe the heartaches.

I was astounded. Pay this and get nothing. Pay that and we'll help you. If in the last 7 years, I have not been able to help myself, HOW do you think you are going to make a difference? And so the mental feud began. It was going to be my whits against my "Goa-uld" The more I tried to find something that will work I kept being discouraged by either it's price, or it's availability.

The answer came to me one sunny afternoon when I was actually looking at a scam degree program. Some or other Cambridge diploma, that will only take you 3 weeks to complete online. And I went on my Google rant. Googling Cambridge etc. I came across a blog of a guy talking about his experience with The Cambridge Weight plan. He failed cause he tried it while he was moving countries, and changing jobs and being dumped by his girlfriend, which made him depressed and finally ended up with him admitting to the world he is in fact gay. But in his first experience he said that he had lost 20 odd kg's in the first 8 weeks. And this of course was the hook. I had to know more. That is what I want lost... And 8 weeks will suite me perfectly.

 I found the program in the UK. And just as I was to give into despair over the availability, I saw the ZA fag. And they HAD A BRANCH here! With a consultant, just down the road from me!

So I got on the phone. Called the Doctor, and very enthusiastically she said "Go for it, it's one of the best weight loss programs out there. It has been known to be used by heart patients. Call me with the results in 6 weeks." And I thought she was joking.....

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