Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shall I eat something?

I've noticed this weather triggers a feeling of munchiness. How are one supposed to withstand it!? It feels rather sad not being able to get something to chew. I'll have to make a move, and go do something. Have you ever wondered why things happen? And by that I mean literately happen.

Monday, November 21, 2011

When is it Saturday?

I'm looking forward to SATURDAY! It's the first time I'll be truly sober for the entirety of an Event. It feels exhilarating to have this power. I just realised over the weekend, except for the craving for meat, I have no hunger, and no will to drink. And I think I might just shock the poor consultant again with the cm's that have gone.

So on the brighter side. I was surrounded by good friends this weekend. And the man was working back the brownie points he misplayed on Friday. Made a skirt, had a braai, met one of the coolest people I stalk. :P

Will report in later tonight, or tomorrow with the progress on the diet and weight front.

Wait for it, it's going to be Legend...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Meat me

I've done exceptionally well on the diet front. 4kg's! one week. Sjo. Well I still want meat. It's the only drawback so far. Other than that, I'm not hungry. I'm not wanting anything else.

I have a minor other issue. I really want a new job. Really really badly in the Stock market! That is my home. I miss it. The excitement. The stress. The relieve. The reward. They are another type of human. My type of human. Some people don't like them at all. I say, I hate all humans, and was it not for the single minded trader mind I would have killed most humans. It is truly amazing if you fully comprehend it. I speak of them as if they are super humans. They are. If you look at what they do... Not everyone can use their full comprehension like that. I can't. I haven't even tried. I don't dare. I miss that.

I sound a little crazy. But there is no greater thrill that waiting to see if a position was a good one, even though somewhere the odds were not entirely in your favour! Yes there is sadness. There is loss too... but that is soon forgotten with each victory. I miss that.

Aaah. I am still indecisive about what to study next. Not that there is finances for this activity. It is between Economy and Law. Yes. I'm a numbers person. If I could I would do something like actuary. But, no university would allow me into that with my Matric. That is why kids, never listen to you parents. Your matric does not make you... YOU make your matric. And it starts off in Std 6 (Grade 8).  This makes me think of point B.

I had the weirdest dream last night. It was a mix of 'funky royal wedding' and 'high school glamour/prom' party. I dreamed I was invited as 'special' guest of the Bride and Groom of the royal family. I was dressed like a dream... And it was no ordinary dress. It fit perfectly. It was deep royal blue, and in a similar style to this one. I looked so sexy in it. Everyone wanted to be with me at the party, which was on this roof of this skyscraper. I had the perfect shoes. It was WoW! Freaky as hell. If this is what 4 kgs can do to my ego... just imagine what will happen when I lost all 22kgs!

Ah to be young again.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Headaches and Hurt.

Friday started the 'detox' section of the diet. It's been hell. First off started the rumble in the tummy. Then the head aches started. All this can be cured with something as simple as water! Yes. I have been drinking 3 litres a day! I am now tired of water. Officially. And I miss MEAT. I just so badly want a piece of solid super steak. The hardest part is not having anything to chew. I've tried ice. I've tried just eating the porridge, but being the carnivore I am, I WANT MEAT. I'm intending to write a letter to them for a beef flavour, and a chicken flavour without egg. Maybe a bacon or smoked porridge?

Further more the WOW is going good. Still enjoying. Stargate marathon still on.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Once a Prawn a time...

My love treated me to a seafood platter on Sunday afternoon, as it was my "sin" weekend. I started yesterday with the Cambridge program. I don't like calling it the whole name, and my reasons are slightly personal at this stage.

We were enjoying a prawn or 10 on Sunday, and talking about the whole idea of people and their perspectives, and opinions. Now some of you know, I sometimes have a real difficult time keeping my opinions to myself. I've gotten myself, and my love into serious trouble with some people. Personally I think if you make yourself out to be a friend, you should be able to take a friends opinion for what it is worth.

So we were discussing perspectives. Firstly I noted that there is a SERIOUS problem with some peoples child rearing skills, especially the table outside. I told my love that I have been re-evaluating my life.  Thinking how to better myself. First of, gaining confidence and losing 15kg's, secondly, New job.  If the order of that changes it won't matter, the main ingredients stay the same.

Returning to my perspectives and opinions. I've gone on rediscovery of me. Of what I want, and how I will get it. Doing this makes one sometimes hate yourself. It is a necessary task. In doing this my way of thinking has slightly changed, and my perspective is a more 'external' one than usual. I love to observe people. And in doing so I learn allot about myself as a human being and the humans themselves. I've decided to make little mental notes on how I would have perceived and how I should perceive. Now this is not an easy task in all situations. You get upset and you tend to think with your 'primitive instinct' brain, instead of rational and logic response. And if you are me, you tend to become slower during this process. :P 

Today is a difficult day, day 2 of the diet. It is going as expected, but for the hunger. And this too shall pass. Here is to eating a prawn real soon again.

Friday, November 4, 2011

A new journey

I am about to start with a new journey. If all planning goes well, in 3 months time I will weigh, 15kg's less. Yuppy. Well lets see. Monday afternoon will be the deciding factor.

I'm watching BBC Human Body, too start the journey.

Tomorrow is a busy day. First birthday party for a friend, and then a house warming. Sunday is hopefully a restful day! please.

So see you all sometime this weekend, or maybe next week.  Enjoy.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Ah, how wonderful life is...

It was recently discovered that the overall intelligence of the world has dropped. Now overall intelligence is not just capacity to be clever, it is emotional, social and general cleverness. Admittedly I myself have a touch of Aspergers, but I don't let it hinder my everyday life.

During the child life, I did not comprehend most aspects of human interactions. Almost every single situation felt foreign to me. I had friends, but was often told that..."one does not act that way".  I simply didn't understand the concept of being a teenager. I acted the way I wanted others to act. I still do. Treat others the way you wish to be treated, act the way you want others to act. This is, was and will always be my main motto. Therefore I am probably one of the most un-normal persons other people meet. I've been recently, during dream study, trying to reconcile my 'misfit' behaviour with 'normal cool' kid behaviour. (Dream study is the use of controlling dreams to determine outcome, and proceedings and manipulating the dream to change the past, or resolve issues. It took me a while to master it, but I am getting pretty good at it.)  I know it is not a real actual event, but I am able to work through some pretty huge crap. Having arguments and winning them. Changing a past event, only if it is in a dream, to heal broken hearts, mend fences.

I noticed that in certain cases, where someone or something used to bother me immensely, after the resolve and peace in the dream study, I became somewhat indifferent. It no longer bothered me that I didn't handle it differently or that I didn't say that, or didn't do that. I was able to heal my 'hang ups'.  Yes, this could mean I am becoming an even bigger freak. Here is this girl that never got to be the lead in anything, and she is content, not because she is a misfit and knows it, because it doesn't matter to her any more. It was fixed in a dream study.

Now you probably wondering... what does anything have to do with anything? The world offends me. It really does. There are very few 'instances' of worldly interaction that I like. If it was up to me, I would have a licence to kill who and what ever I felt like, when I felt like it. It would be justified. Every single killing. Reason, result.

I can do this in dream study. I called it study, because it takes roughly 7 to 15 dreams, recurring, to study a situation, learn from it, resolve it, and move on. I was asked recently, why I was indifferent to something someone said to me... And my answer was, why should it have mattered to me in the first place? It is not that I don't care about people etc. It is just that I am done being the underdog, the saddling. I have a rightful place in this world, and it is not being trampled on, or being used as a wipe. I know it will still take years to undo and 'reprogram' 28 years of unhappiness. But little by little I will win this fight.

Next time you ask me, or yourself, 'Why is she acting this way?' Remember that I will not be the 'underling'.

Coming back to the world and it's sad state. It is really starting to become apparent, that there is no more 'general knowledge' and that the 'average' is now more like the below standard.  Just go read some advice forums or help forums. I pity the world.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Breaking bones.

I'm depressed. I am not in a good place today. I feel like I could kill.